considering the state of the economy and my bank account
What the fuck people! I need a motherfuckin job, and I have a resume that says I am fucking fit to be your goddamn front desk/administrative assistant. I have applied to a ton of jobs on here, and not one of them responded, WHAT THE FUCK?!
Cover Letter? Here’s my fucking cover letter: now, I’m really low on money, and I’ll suck a dick if I have to…that’s right! Got a bear in your backyard that keeps eating your garbage? I’ll fight that motherfucker and I’ll win! Can any other prospective employee say that?! FUCK NO! What’d you say? You lost your keys? FUCK IT! I’ll shoot the goddamn lock off your door with my laser eyes! That’s how bad I need a motherfuckin job! Your brother is gay and you’re not cool with that? I’ll fucking turn him straighter than a goddamn parallel line. Don’t believe me? Then hire me and I’ll fucking show you!
OBJECTIVE
I need a motherfuckin job.
SHIT I HAVE DONE
- I invented the moon.
- and the sun.
- Atlantis was around til 1988, but sunk when I shot out of my mom’s vagina like a silver bullet into a wolverine.
- I am a wolverine.
- I am also a member of the X-Men team.
- I am fluent in fucking Elvish and goddamn Jabberer.
- I have prophetic visions of the apocalypse.
- Watched the movie “Juwanna Mann” at least 18 times. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0247444/
- Created a new genre of dance in which people get so into it that radiation waves pulsate off of them, I like to call this the “microrave”.
- I reverse engineered a door, I now know how it works.
- When I was 8, a Frisbee flew into my backyard and I blew it up with my mind.
- My brother is the Eiffel Tower.
- Direct descendant of Beowulf and goddamn Zeus.
- Can make weapons out of anything, very useful in a hostile work environment.
- Beat my day time television addiction at age 16.
- Proficient in Microsoft Office and Photoshop CS/2/3.
RELEVANT WORK EXPERIENCE
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doing
POSITION: Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Setting up sex scandals in which to blackmail wealthy politicians, forwarding email, burning down the houses of the poor, loan sharking, answering phones, greeting clients in a manner that would frighten most people
GreenHate Enterprises
POSITION: Once Again, I was a fucking Front Desk/Administrative Assistant
DUTIES: Organizing the dumping of bio-waste into the ocean, peeing in lakes, digging holes to fill with garbage, making garbage out of perfectly good and useful items, filling said wholes with said garbage, creating fake facts about Greenpeace and publishing them on the internet (I am way too internet savvy), good at filing documents…of hate.
REFERENCES
Glomgor Evil
GlomGlom Corporation of Evil Doings
gorlock@peanutbutternipples.com
Sloblor the Muck Monster
GreenHate Enterprises
sloblor@greenhate.com
So, now that you know the real me, are you gonna hire me or not? I would like to remind you that I can make weapons out of anything.
Sincerely,
machinist.tumblr.com
Remember…Anything
